This morning, my babe and I had a rough start. I blew up at
her over not having kids. I guess it was all this pent up frustration from
wanting them so badly, but my babe feels she’s too old. This has been an
emotional roller coaster for the both of us. When we first started dating, she
expressed to me that she was too heart-broken over losing her first daughter to
ever want kids again. I understood, although I was a bit sad. After we got more
serious she was on board with having kids. We even went as far as discussing possible
sperm donors, different routes, and the cost of insemination. I definitely got
my hopes up. I was so excited that I even bought a book about lesbian
parenting. Things are different now. My bun muff doesn’t want kids anymore. I
don’t know if she just doesn’t want kids with me, doesn’t want to give up her
freedom, or what. Might just be a combination of everything? I keep saying she
doesn’t understand, but maybe if I actually told her how I felt, she would
understand. Not to persuade her, because nobody should have to be persuaded to
be a parent. Secretly I’ve always wanted a baby, but I never had a promising
enough relationship to even begin to fathom having a baby with any of them.
Then, out of nowhere I meet the greatest person I know. We fall in love and
later on down the road, we decide to start thinking about a baby. I couldn’t have
been happier. Because we are both women, this will take time and money. I was
still willing to push forward. We get a call one day and find out my babe’s
younger sister is having a baby (niece #1). My heart ached. It wasn’t fair!!! I
soon got over that and was so happy for her. Although my feelings were a bit
crushed, I was elated to become an aunt for the first time. Not a couple of
months later, my baby sister calls to tell me she, too, is pregnant. That was
almost enough to break my heart. I was so angry at myself. I cried for a few
days, but I wanted to be supportive of my baby sister and 2nd niece,
so I sucked it up. I was still willing to go forward with trying to have a baby
with my babe. I was almost obsessed. I was constantly looking up baby names,
pinning nursery ideas to my Pinterest board. I was a closet baby maniac. I had
our lives planned out. Fast forward 2 years…. No baby, no intention of having
one. I know I physically couldn’t have one, even if my babe changed her mind.
It was mentioned to me by a doctor that I might have Poly-Cystic Ovarian
Syndrome. Of course I had to do my homework to see if there was even a
possibility. I already have HPV and I have every symptom related to PCOS. My
chances of every having a baby are less that 20%. I can deal with not wanting
to have a baby, but when I physically cannot have a baby is insult to injury. I
feel broken. The one thing a woman is supposed to be able to do is have babies.
I cannot, and I hated myself for it. Sometimes I get so angry at my sister and
sister in law when the make a poor parenting decision, because I know I would
have done it differently. I get angry when we go shopping for the nieces and I
see everything that I would want for our baby. I get angry when I see people treating
their children like animals; taking it for granted that they can pop them out whenever.
I get angry at my in-laws and my parents
at times because all they seem to talk about is grandbabies. Something I can’t
give them. ….. But, I digress. I look at my nieces now and I’m head over heels
in love with them. I want to spend every single moment with them. I look at
them and see their mothers in them, and sometimes it makes me sad. I look at
them and know that I won’t have a sweet little toddler running around, looking
like me, and calling me mommy. Normally I am fine, but during that magical time
of the month, I feel overwhelmed with feelings. I try not to show my babe, but
she reads me like a book. I wouldn’t trade her for the world and I am happy
with my 2 fur-babies. I am only 27, now, so I know these feelings won’t go away
over-night. I just want my babe to know that she is enough, and I feel entirely
and utterly complete with her and our 2 dogs. With time, I know this aching
feeling will go away. I am just blessed to be with someone who loves me through
all of this.
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